Finding Your Voice

For a writer, voice is important. It’s what will separate your submission from a thousand others. Grammar can be fixed (sorry editors) voice – your voice, has to be present, has to be clear and above all has to stand out from the crowd.

It’s the same for people who don’t write. You can be loud and obnoxious. You can be clever and witty. Or you can be as quiet as a mouse or variations and combinations in-between. There are a million ways to communicate and I have always chosen blunt over flowery and honesty over tact. That isn’t necessarily right, but it’s my voice, who I am and I’m not sure at 60 years old there is time to change the way I communicate or if  am even willing to change. I’m used to me.

I have noticed that many women don’t find their voices until later in life. Many women, especially my age group, and the generation before me, went from home to marriage, fell from one form of subservience to another (equal footing being a rarity until recently)  and many learned (erroneously), that being quiet is what keeps the peace.

When you spent 45+ years of your life not uttering a peep and suddenly, you decide to speak your mind- you may have a tendency to go overboard. You may speak to things of which you have little knowledge; you may be so adamant that you leave no room for discussion or reply. Finding your voice is not just about saying what you think. It’s not about freedom of speech, which is so often mistaken for I can say any stupid ass thing I want.

My mother used to say if you don’t have anything smart to say don’t say anything all. Most parents say that if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all, but smart was more valuable to my mother than nice. (And she passed that gene to me)  I don’t know how old my mother was when she found her voice, but I’m guessing in her early teens. By the time she was 30, which is when I was nine and remember conversations with her or listening to her talk to other people, she was in full command of her voice, if not her actions.

The problem for many women when they find their voice later in life is that it takes the people who know them by surprise. Friends and family may think it’s hormonally induced diarrhea of the mouth, or worse that you have lost your mind completely.  A simple statement like, “I don’t really like your taste in music.” can turn into a full-blown episode of “Where is my wife, mother, sister… and who are you?”

People change.  This is true no matter what your gender. With any luck, we get smarter with time. If you got married at 18 years old and you manage to make it through the changes, then you grew together at the same rate. If you don’t make it then chances are you grew apart- or maybe one of you found an unexpected voice.

All my life I have encountered people who would have rather I lied to them than been honest.  People who thought I should change my delivery and be more tactful. I admit- with age has come a little bit more tact, but the honesty factor never waivers.

If you ask me a question, be prepared for the truth. A nickname some friends gave me back in the 70’s was Frightfully Candid Katie. I think the fright part has diminished over time. Sometimes.

The reason I am able to say what I do to whomever I please, is that I’m not afraid of the consequences. I never have been. It’s an annoying irreverence, I understand that- yet it’s who I am.  More brave than smart. But I was born this way and I have had 60+ years to hone it.

The one thing I have tried to learn over the years is to not be wrong. And by wrong I mean- I try not to spout off when I have no clue what I am talking about- and I also try- (and sometimes fail) to own up to it when I have no clue what I am talking about.

If I had a daughter – or for my nieces and great nieces now, I would try to teach them to go ahead and always say what you think- but give it the 3 second rule. Just wait 3 seconds and ask your self ONE question- Do I know what I am talking about?

Everyone should find his or her voice. It’s not just for writers. Communication is the end all. It’s the most important thing you will ever learn. (Says me.)  If you can’t communicate your needs, they will never be met. If you can’t communicate your feelings, they will never be acknowledged. If you run from every uncomfortable conversation, you will never have the satisfaction of getting someone to see things from a different perspective.

If you have recently found your voice and find yourself stepping on toes and dodging piles of poop like landmines, then you might want to practice that 3-second rule before you spout off. Then read- read everything about everything, it’s amazing what little tidbits will come in handy when you are having a conversation.

I’m not sure what prompted me to write this. Maybe I ran across a timid mouse that couldn’t get their cheese, or maybe I know more than few people that have a voice screaming inside them- LET ME OUT.  Maybe- I know someone that needs to be heard and doesn’t know where to start.

Start here. Start now. It’s never too late.