Fear and the Crazies

Fear seems to be running a lot of our lives. I can’t even remember the last time I wasn’t afraid of something. Either Nick getting killed, or me getting sick, or being broke or my animals getting sick. I’m always worried that something will happen to someone in my family or one of my close friends. My friend Liz mentioned me hovering over her the other day. I can’t help it- she is one of my best friends and I worry about her.

I do the best I can to push the scary stuff out of my head. But it’s always there ready for a spare moment.

The other day Nick was getting on his motorcycle and I popped my head out the door to say goodbye- be careful… and he started laughing at me. “What?” I said… “You look like an apple doll.” He replied then mimicked my face all scrunched up with worry… no wonder we get wrinkled and really end up looking like apple dolls. Kids.

My life has never been easy- so I don’t really expect the journey to be bump free. I just hate the anxiety I get because I know there is another bump coming and I don’t know how big it will be.

Sometimes I focus on the stupid stuff on purpose. It’s easier to worry about the weeds in the back yard than Nick on a motorcycle. I have been hoeing the weeds like crazy lately. The weeds are growing in gravel, so it’s a good workout. A better distraction. Nick keeps telling me to stop because if I hoe them he can’t see them to spray them. He doesn’t understand it’s just me obsessing over something I can actually control. Weeds.

There are times I wish I could be one of the “oh well” people. But that’s not me. I care too much, love too hard, eat too many cookies. I am obsessive.

Fear can be a good motivator too. I am motivated to take care of my health, watch over my friends and family, walk my dogs, write, read, live.

Fear can make you crazy. I have been there- it’s always a short walk away. It takes a lot of practice to not let the crazies spread their germs my way. Crazy people should try hoeing.

I always seem to have this great advise for other people and nothing for myself. Don’t be crazy is what I tell myself. Don’t be scared. That’s all I can come up with- the wordsmith that I am.

I think I’ll go vacuum something.