Saturday, October 1, 2016

Finding HOPE in a Depressed State of Affairs

Almost every morning, before my eyes are opened or my hearing aids are in, I can hear the ding from my phone alerting me to a message from my grandsons mom. She sends me pictures of him almost every day—and so I wake up filled with joy and love of life. I see his little face and his beautiful eyes and amazing, almost always smile and I melt. I’m a proud Nonnie, to be sure. But I also count my blessings. I’m lucky to have his mom. We’ve grown close these last 2 years and she checks on me as much as I check on her and the baby.

Every day, as I look at the pictures of the baby I feel peace and happiness. Even though I can’t hug and kiss my little guy, I am happy to see his pictures and have an occasional Facetime kiss. By bedtime though, my whole body hurts—including my heart. Sometimes I get a night time picture too- and that is the best medicine of all.

Lately my days don’t stay happy. Besides my own heartbreak of not seeing my son or knowing where he is or how he’s doing, which leaves a giant hole in my heart—I won’t lie about thatbesides that, the daily news wears me out. The daily insanity of Donald Trump, the daily killings of black people, the daily killings of police, the 22 veteran suicides a day, the daily killings of children by their parents (or with their parent’s weapons). The daily racism, the daily homeless issues, the daily wars in the Middle East and Africa. More than 140,000 people, over 7,000 of them children, have been killed in Syria's uprising-turned-civil war. How is that okay? There’s more- I just can’t get it all out with causing my head to explode.

The daily commentaries from the morons of America – spewing more hatred than I can imagine—that stuff has worn me out. The lack of basic knowledge of the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights; basic US History, not to mention World History, all make a nice setting for Donald Trump – he plays to that audience. He knows they won’t pick up a book and check anything. Oh, maybe they’ll google – that’s his source too.

Of course, I have to hang in there. People need me, I have a job to do, I have a couple of jobs, a house to sell, ads to get out every day, I don’t have the luxury of drinking my problems away, or going to bed for a month, I have to remain present and be able to function—knowing I can’t help anyone if I don’t take care of myself. But, I am tired lately.

I am tired of arguing with people about politics. I am tired of trying to make an ignorant nation wake the fuck up and see Donald Trump for the fraud that he is. He’s a misogynist, a racist, a bigot and frankly – his biggest fault in my book—he is stupid, and too stupid to know it. You can be all those other things and learn different—but he is not teachable. His narcissistic personality disorder assures us of that. Oh, and he has NO VALUES. None- nada. Why can't people see that? 

He would start more wars that we can’t finish. He would send more young men to war who, if lucky enough to come home alive – may commit suicide in the next 10 years. He wants to save money by ending military bureaucracy before he even knows what that bureaucracy is for. He does not understand the military at all. And oh- by the way—the Generals for Trump- none of the signatories of that letter was a service chief or led a major combat command. They were (all retired) the bureaucratic, pencil pushers who we taxpayers now support.

I’m kept going by that baby and his mom. I’m kept going by a few friends that understand the pain of not being able to help my son—or see him or hear his voice. I’m grateful he is not one of the 22. That’s what I hang on to—that and the hope I can make a difference for future troops and future veterans, and sufferers of combat PTSD. I’m kept going by a few friends that have shared my joy of being a Nonnie – albeit long distance. I’m kept going by amazing friends and family who love me. I’m kept going by beauty and art and my dog, Toshi. I am kept going by my never give up, stubborn, personality that compels me to get up every day and keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what. I hold back tears, and push through the pain so I can be there for those who rely on me—and even those who don’t. I want to be there for people in worse shape than me, people who stay quiet in their pain while it chips away at their soul. For people who have lost much more than me. And for the people that have always been there for me. That is my goal.

I hope when this election is over – some of the hatred will subside. I suspect it will linger though, no matter who wins. Donald Trump revealed a lot about this great nation –  that it’s full of racist and bigots—and many of them are gunslingers. If he does not win- he will call upon them – I’m just guessing of course. Let’s hope I’m wrong -- but let's hope he does not win. 

I am kept going because I want to see Hillary become President-- no matter what, that is a vote I intend to make. 

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