Part 3 of Auntie Katie's Free Advise
I’m skipping ahead to break-ups before we even get into the whole relationship conversation, because, well, they usually come sooner than we are expecting them – and whether initiated by you or them- you should be prepared.
There are a million different reasons why people break up with each other. Since we are talking about going “out” here and not marriage, I’ll only cover some of them. (We’ll get to marriages later.)
First, I should tell you that sometimes there is no reason. It’s more like you should have never gotten together in the first place. It’s like writing the wrong thing on the chalk board- then trying to erase it, but part of it still shows through. You can’t really undo anything in life. (Another reason to choose wisely.) But clean the chalk board best you can and move on.
Breaking up usually has a few emotions involved. First, you are hurt or shocked (if someone else is doing the dumping) then you are sad for a while then you are mad. I personally always found mad to be better than sad. Sad is: you mope around, sleep too much, eat too much ice cream. Mad: You get a new hairstyle, lose a few pounds, start running, play some sports , hang out with your buddies again and possibly clean your room – maybe even your closet too. Mad is more productive.
The writing is on the wall.
Usually, there are some signs of things to come. If you have been together more than a week, there is a pattern of communication. He or she calls you everyday, you call him /her everyday, you text constantly, you go to a movie, dinner, a ball game- whatever. When there is a variance in the pattern, you should pay attention.
I wouldn’t worry too much about things being off one day, or even two- but if it is off three days in a row, something is up. (Auntie Katie could be wrong- but it’s rare.) Now the variety of reasons this starts to happen are too many to go into here. I’ll name a few top ones though.
- They realized you don’t have enough in common.
- They actually like someone else.
- They heard you like someone else.
- They think you didn’t pay enough attention to them.
- They thought you needed more attention then they could give you.
If you or they are on the younger side, it could be that you or they are just not ready for this kind of relationship. Don’t worry, you’ll get there.
Reasons I think you should break up immediately. Let me just say here- this is my opinion. You don’t have to agree with me- but I’m right.
- They physically hurt you.
- They cheated on you with your best friend.
- They kicked or otherwise abused your pet.
- They are into drugs, drinking or any illegal activities.
- They are needy to point of aggravation.
I can tell you right off the bat if any of these things are an issue you will be breaking up sooner or later and you – YOU should make it sooner.
Most of the time, after a break up, when the dust settles, you can still be friends. Occasionally, you have to cut all ties.
NEVER be a victim. Never let anyone manipulate you into doing anything you don’t want to do, anything illegal, dangerous or otherwise stupid. If someone is trying to control you, DUMP THEM.
If they don’t want you hanging out with your friends: DUMP THEM.
If they say bad things about your family: DUMP THEM.
There are plenty of nice people out there. But don’t forget, it’s okay to be by yourself too. If you can learn to be happy with yourself, by yourself, then you will be much more secure in your relationships.
Next week we’ll look a little closer at going “out” and what that is all about and expectations and how to manage them.