Grief
never feels good. If you ever lost a loved one, you know this. It could be a
year ago or 40 years ago; it changes sometimes, the pain less sharp and
sometimes more. It’s an injury without blood, a gaping wound that never really
heals.
Most
of us learn to live with it-- the missing piece to our psychic puzzle. There is
always a feeling of something missing. Someone missing. Some of us try to fill
the hole with medication or new shoes, or booze. It doesn’t work.
Years
after my mom died, I picked up the phone to call her. I realized I couldn’t
remember her number and then realized why and embarrassed at myself for such a
ridiculous fopaux, (Seriously, how can you forget your mom has died?) hung up
the phone. I can’t remember if I cried—or cleaned house. One of the two, I have
no doubt.
My
27-year-old brother died December 19th 1982 from complications due
to injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident that occurred a little over 100
days prior. My 53-year-old mother died two years later on December 9th.
The holiday season has proven to be my most difficult season to get through and the
list of people I grieve for has grown substantially since my brother and mother
died. But, there is always a holiday, or a hallmark of some kind, birthdays,
death days, the last time you talked. Any month can be the bad one but for me
it’s always December.
I know there are the
seven stages of grief, but the truth is there are no rules for how to do it, or
how long, or how sad you should be, or how much you should cry, or if you
should cry at all. Everyone grieves how he or she grieves and if you become
expert—through experience, how sad for you.
It
comes in waves. It doesn’t matter how long ago someone left this world, it can
feel like yesterday or it can feel like a long time ago and you wonder how you
could be so sad for so damn long. For me, sometimes just smelling something
like bubblegum will remind me of my brother and the endless baseball card
bubblegum he shared with me when he was little. Earlier this year his best
friend sent some pictures of my brother when he was young, and a few shortly
before he died. I cried because I missed him… and I cried for what he is
missing. A beautiful daughter he never met and three amazing granddaughters
that would have owned him. He missed the best part of my life and his.
The
“no rules” grief also applies for whom we are grieving. My sister just lost her
horse after 21 years, and was devastated. When my son’s 14-year-old dog was put
down, I watched his grief pour out in heavy sobs, he was beyond consoling. It
was then I realized he was also grieving for the friends he lost in the war,
the ones he never had time to cry for—and maybe his own innocence, left in the
sands of Iraq. Postponed grief is the stuff that will kill you.
We
walk around with a cloud of sadness. Not everyone sees it. Some people are
oblivious to our teary eyes and our ability to skirt a subject that is sure to
make the wave of sadness rush in. Some of us want to talk about it, some of us
cannot.
Sometimes,
grief can surprise us. When my son’s dad died unexpectedly two years ago, I was
floored with grief and I woke up crying every day for weeks—still sometimes, I
can’t think about this loss without tearing up. I never expected to feel that
way, but I never expected him to die at 53 either.
My
grief is always just below the surface. I don’t wear it like a badge—I don’t
share it with strangers, or even all my friends. It’s just there and that is
how grief works.
For
me, grief is a reminder to live well, to be kind because we really don’t know
what other people are going through and we really don’t know if someone won’t
be here tomorrow. I do put one foot in front of the other but I
understand that isn’t always possible for everyone. When my son’s dad died, his
grandmother understandably got a little crazy. When I asked my son (in an uncharitable
moment) how he could put up with that he reminded me that losing your child
trumps losing your father. His grief—made him smarter. His grandparents carry
on; their strength is admirable their Japanese Buddhist durability intact, and
I try my best to mimic them.
I
know more than a few people hurting from grief right now. It always seems worse
around the holidays. The empty seat syndrome, the missing piece of your heart,
the special ornament with their name on it, more reminders than our hearts can
bare—but bare we must.
This
holiday season don’t be afraid to share stories about your departed loved ones
with people that knew them or know you. Often you will find yourself laughing
through a story instead of crying through the silence.
For
all of you feeling the loss of a loved one please know this… you are not
alone. Many people are grieving over someone. We may not all wear it the
same way—but we wear it.
If
you are suffering from severe depression due to grief, please seek counseling
-- while I don't think there are rules-- I do think some people benefit from
help with the grieving process.
see
this link:
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| Just a few of my missing pieces...Mom, Johnny, Dad, Jon, Johnny, Jon, Noodle & Smokie |
